You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
