I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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