There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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