just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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