Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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