If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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