Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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