Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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