i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's blow job season.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
