There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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