watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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