I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
