i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.