i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
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I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.