do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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