After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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