all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
