Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I love you. Go after that dick
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