I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
