Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
