wake up i wanna do it froggy style
People with herpes should wear stickers.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
