I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
