Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
