You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
