This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
