Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
