Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
