Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
