I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
