just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
