you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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