there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
