Whod you bang
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
