You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
