My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
and she was petting her beer can
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
