While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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