True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think my moral compass just broke
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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