She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
