I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
