margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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