You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
