That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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