So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
