Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
