Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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