1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we have officially lost it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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