He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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