Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
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you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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