At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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