I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
