somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
