my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
