just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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