Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
