I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
