our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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