New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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