I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
