Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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