had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
