I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
